Bestfriend: phase one

Bestfriend

(phase one)

I should be sleeping now. Resting my tired soul from another day which I borrowed from fate, again. Everyday feels like another pain to live and another lonely experience to endure without enough reason to go on.

It’s 12:30 in the midnight and my mind doesn’t want rest. Haunted, bothered and worried. How am I supposed to endure another day tomorrow when the same fear and uncertainties would come knocking at my door?

It’s past midnight but my heart won’t keep me safe from hesitation. My head is on the verge of recalling, remembering or looking back even if I don’t want to dig the memories. They say I am too sentimental sometimes. They say I am too emotional most of the time. And most of the time, I always hesitate to move on and just couldn’t leave the past behind. How am I supposed to do that? When I was made this way and look at the world with so much sentiments and regrets.

I wish I was someone else. I wish I could be stronger like you or anybody else. But I can’t do anything about it rather than follow my heart most of the time and carry the weight of the world at my shoulder whenever I am hurt.

For such a long time already, we know each other by words we wrote in emails or chat conversations. You know that I am emotional most of the time and that makes me more vulnerable than ever. I hope I could wish my feelings away. But these are all part of me and pieces of me wanting to let go.

Well, what can you expect from someone who was born with lonely memories and turn his inner sentiments into foolish poetic mumblings? I may be artistic in weaving words into enigmatic lines but it all came from my inner woes and unspoken melancholy. I need to remember the hurt, how I was hurt and who hurt me just to write something misunderstood. Though it feels good to write about it still it makes me a weaker man, a vulnerable soul.

Friend, I’ve had enough of useless words circling around the bushes of my denial and excuses. I’ve had enough of everything that keeps me hold back the tears meant to flow or wounds that deserves healing... inside.

I’m afraid to call someone my bestfriend because sometimes being friends is the best excuse to hurt someone who expected to be treated more than a friend. I don’t to avoid that “word” just because it might lead to disappointments. It is because I usually fall for that one.

I don’t want to fall for a friend whom I realized I truly care about the day he forgot to say goodbye on our graduation day. God, I realize I was a fool to neglect him during those times he tried to reach out to me. He tried to show me how it feels to care for people selflessly and expect no return. He was there to show me the meaning of keeping my feet on the ground and accept that not everything in life is about loneliness. He taught me that music is a channel of emotions. Whether ballad or rock it’s still rooted in love. He taught me that not all people are fake and I should open my heart to understand what others should feel. We were so good, the best of friends and he was a friend who always forgive me whenever I did something wrong.

Our friendship was challenge by judgmental minds around us and people who don’t understand how it is to truly love your bestfriend even without telling him how much he means to me (deep inside). He was a friend who taught me that I shouldn’t care what other people might think about us because what we share was real and sincere. But on the night he told me how much I mean to him, I hold back and shut my mouth about how I truly feel just because I couldn’t accept who I really I am and why I tend to feel this way.

Then I started to make fun of his emotions and mistreated him hoping he would always forgive me. I just thought that he was always ready to forgive me and understand me if I would hurt him. I always thought that he would accept all my excuses just because my parents did all the excuses to break my heart and gave me all the reason not to trust people since I was young.

It took more than a year to cling on to my worthless pride by not talking or ignoring him even if he was trying to reach out for me. But I was stonehearted outside just to show him that I don’t need him. But the truth is, I am brokenhearted inside longing to hold him, talk to him and tell him how I miss the things we used to do. I miss those times we were talking nonsense stuff outside their garden at night while counting the stars in the night sky. I miss his nonsensical jokes that made me laugh and watch his cute eyes wink. I miss those times when he used to share the answers of our math quiz because I am pathetic when it comes to this subject. And all I can do every time I miss him was to hide behind the wall and watch him waiting for me from afar.

So when I promise myself to finally break the silence and talk to him on our graduation day, he never showed up. I can’t forget how my classmates appreciate the tears I shed on our graduation ceremony. They thought I cried for them because we were parting ways soon and start a new life ahead, grow up and finally leave high school life behind. But they were wrong because deep inside, I cry for my bestfriend who failed to say goodbye on our graduation day.

He failed to attend our graduation and say goodbye because he was trying his luck for a scholarship interview. He never told me that before he disappeared because I was pathetic to hold on to my worthless pride for a long time. And denied the reality that he was trying to be there for me amid the silence I created between us. I did the biggest mistake of my life and that mistake haunts me more than ever. For the past seven years, my regret was turned into a memory of loneliness that would haunt me in my sleep every night. He was always there, making me feel guilty and incomplete.

It took me seven years to finally got the chance to meet him face to face again. But that special moment only lasted for 20 minutes because I decided to leave. I want to talk to him but something tells me to runaway. To let him go even if the heart never wanted to let go... of everything we’ve been through. So I walk away even if his hands were pulling me back. I left because I had to hide my tears and look again in his enigmatic eyes that silently express of how much I mean to him. But when I started to look back, I lost him again in oblivion, in uncertainty, hoping that fate would set our path to cross again. And before he faded away, all I got was blank text messages and unspoken words of his true feelings.

The meeting happened again but after nine years. But it is too late this time. Too late to realize that he was already married and my chances to talk was over.

They say first love never dies. As for me, it dies but not the experience or the lessons learned. So I decided that when another bestfriend comes around, I would choose the other way around. No more silence or denials but only certainty and selfless response.

And it did come knocking at my door again. But this time, a bestfriend isn’t always the best one your heart chooses and my perception about love would change.

Did I get what I wished for?

It’s 2:30 AM and I should live another day tomorrow, again.

(end of phase one...)