borderline

Bestfriend

(phase three)

How will you know if you found the one you’ve been looking for all your life? I don’t know. But I have faith in fate. I always believe in destiny. In my life, I always learn the hard way and my heart is the greatest weapon I have to understand the enigma of life.

I wish I could perfectly describe how blessed I am to have you and be a part of my crucial journey.

Sometimes when you least expect something, it surprisingly come knocking at the door of your heart. The tendency: you open it selflessly with the key of dreamy expectations to embrace happiness. I know we’re just human enough to use our heart, let someone enter our life and let them invade our secret garden of emotions. We tend to become blind when the heart decides without using the mind rationally.

Does having a heart make us weak? I hope not, for I believe this is our greatest weapon to fathom the depths of life and its unseen enigma (as I’ve always said).

Moving away from home and nursing a wounded heart is a crucial test to overcome. With tragic memories and broken hope lingering, it’s hard to be your real self again. It’s hard to keep the sunshine in your life even if the daylight burns your skin while your heart is forced in forgetting the past.

Then days before another year ended, an email brought a piece of sunshine in my gloomy soul. He was a stranger who saw rays of light with my optimistic words via my online profile in one of the famous friendship site in the internet. He was convinced that I put my heart in everything that I say and write. He unveiled himself truthfully and made me feel again through the weight of his words, expressing his search to find something real within me. Was it friendship or something more?

I was impressed by his optimism and persistence to believe that I might be the one he was looking for. In the middle of his getting-to-know phrases and promises there were “maybe-it’s-you” thoughts that started to linger in my mind. It was sincere and honest. Then I find myself risking something to fill the loneliness inside him. His presence contained in his emails took my breath away.

One day he gave me his phone number through an email. He trusted me with his reveries and secrets from the other side of the world. But instead, I refused and decided to give my own mobile number to test if he would sincerely call me and hoping there’s something special that existed between us. Here’s the catch: If he calls me up then it would mean that I mean something important for him and if he won’t then it was nothing but a huge fallacy to go on hoping.

But he called me up one morning. I was surprised and it was real, so real that I finally heard his voice for the first time. For almost ten minutes, we talk about everything I need to know about him and what he is capable of doing with his genuine heart.

I never hesitated to pour my heart out for I am someone blessed with radiant optimism inside me. I never lost my hope throughout the years when my life was screwed up by wrongly entrusting my heart to people who intentionally broke it. I always have faith in the world and that somewhere out there, someone is intended for me. One morning, I woke up and realized something strange yet relevant about my foretold destiny from an old friend. A year ago, when I was in my most crucial moment of dealing a badly wounded heart, my old friend with the gift to see the future told me that someone, a man from afar will come to show me the answer in my endless longings and set the sunshine back in my darkened life. A life ruined by my careless attempts to find true love from wrong choices. I didn’t truly believe her thinking it was another useless attempt to comfort my broken heart...not until now the day I finally realized that life is cloaked in unexpected chances. I smiled after remembering her words because I have proven that hope never fails and there’s nothing to lose if we hope for the best. Though my old friend died months ago and it was unfair for not attending her funeral, I never failed to express my gratitude every time I close my eyes to sleep at night and wake up hoping for the best. (Am I a cruel friend?) And knowing that I found a new bestfriend from a distance and anticipating his coming from a forgotten prediction, it makes life better that any other blockbuster movies in Hollywood. I mean, life is bigger than cinematic films when it takes its twist and turns.

The emails keep coming everyday and hope sparked within me. My secret world of poetry became my friend’s coat that warmed him in the middle of the cold night. It feels like he started to make me a better poet everyday with his straightforward yet sincere words. And suddenly, it feels right to anticipate his email everyday that kept going without hesitation to smile. I responded sincerely. I poured my unspoken reveries without holding back as if we are long lost lovers destined hold each and started to look above to embrace the sunlight. We have each other and we mean it in every word we scribbled in our emails day after day.

I was amazed on how could he trust me so much and make me believe with his hopeful words. Most of the time, I am a self-hating person when everything doesn’t work the way I wanted and oftentimes trapped in my world of anxiety when I get sober. You see, all my life I was never been so completely confident and felt I am alone in my long journey. My innocence and youthful thoughts were stripped away by my fear, the fear to lose in the game of life.

But he optimistic I am better than the old and confused person I used to be. I was even sincere to tell him about the things I am afraid and honest enough to admit my vulnerabilities. Adamantly, he was determined to bring out the best in me and the hidden strength I have inside me. He was the best yet strangest person to embrace me for who I am no matter how complicated I can be most of the time. He showed me hope when I express despondency, he understands me when I get emotional and told me I was beautiful inside when I have nothing to show outside. He has the heart to rub and polish me like a piece of stone from the ground ton unveil the diamond hidden in my soul.

Let me ask you: can you find a stranger like him from the other side of the world to tell you wholeheartedly that you are worth to be loved amid the complexities you have outside? He was a miracle, a fallen star from heaven that filled the empty space inside me. But what touched me most were his simple yet heartwarming words: “learn to love yourself some more so that you could love the world better... you deserved to be loved for the simple thought”.

It was perfect until friendship set foot and draw the line. He said that I was pushing my luck too much by implying I was in love with him and he was in love with me. After saying those words, I had serious contemplation of reality check over and over again. But set aside the hesitation, the self-questioning theory and the vivid truth. I immersed myself in selfish denial and hope for nothing but the best even if at the back of my head certainty remained unclear. Am I afraid to lose something I found after a crucial and endless search? Is it serious fallacy to fall for a bestfriend for the third time? I don’t know(again). But again and again, fate led me to endure another day in life of waiting, hoping and losing something worth fighting.

Sometimes we wanted someone badly because we thought they could complete our life, they have something we needed hoping we could fill the emptiness inside us. But sometimes destiny has its own way to show us the answer. And the truth is, happiness isn’t something we can find from anybody or somewhere else. We are the ones who can find it by ourselves at the right time and at the right place. We all have our own life to live and sometimes it’s worth to wait until we can find the answer ...through goodbyes and letting go, heartaches and hurt, blindness and insensibilities after friendship unlock the door of possibilities. The road in search for answers might be long and tiring, sacrifices must be made to befriend truth and happiness.

Lastly, love and friendship knows no language or boundaries. It only needs a heart to understand and another heart to find the key that could open life’s enigma. But I never ever regret falling in love with my bestfriends because it even made me more human, it made my heart more beautiful and capable to love unconditionally.

Postscript: It was a dream I guess and one day I could tell myself that I’m not in love anymore. And I’m learning and doing something in life-changing for good. But regrets are for fools and I will never ever regret what I did for the sake of love and friendship. It is my nature to live with it as well...