Spice space

Melanie C's Fabulous Mag interview

Site: Fabulousmag.co.uk
Country: England
Writer: Louise Gannon
Date: August 2008
Typed by: -

Mel C has always swum against the tide – and at 34, she’s happier than ever to confound expectations…

She’s the only Spice Girl who hasn’t become a yummy mummy – but Mel C still has no plans to join the baby club.

“Arggh!” she yells. “Don’t mention the ‘B’ word! Everybody asks whether I’m going to be next or whether I’m trying at the moment.

“I hate to disappoint people, but the answer is ‘no’. Everyone thinks that because I’m 34 and in a serious relationship, I’m desperate to start a family.

“But I’m not. I love kids and one of the best bits about touring with the Spice Girls this time round was getting to know everyone’s babies.

“I think people expected me to start feeling broody, but I didn’t and I still don’t. I’m sure at some point babies will be part of my future, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling happy without them.”

Melanie Chisholm has many reasons to be cheerful. She’s been loved-up with her property developer boyfriend Thomas Starr for six years, has homes in London and Wales, and is feeling chilled about life. But motherhood can wait.

“It’s great the other girls are mothers, but we all have different paths in life, and mine doesn’t include babies right now.”

She bursts into an impromptu laugh. “And while I’m being so honest, I’d better say my current plans don’t include marriage either. Maybe one day, but right now neither of us is in any rush to change things.”

Melanie was always Singular Spice. Back in the heady days of Spicemania, she felt like the odd one out.

She was the only one who could sing, the only one truly bothered about writing songs, and the only one who didn’t feel pretty or special enough to be in the band.

As a result, her days of fame and fortune were scarred by a series of self-destructive eating disorders.

She would survive months of touring and non-stop performances on just a handful of salad, and force herself to run up to five miles a day and spend hours in the gym.

“I felt I wasn’t pretty enough to be a Spice Girl so I thought I had to try to have the best body,” she said.

It took the band’s break-up – followed by years of yo-yo dieting and professional help – for her to get to where she is today: a healthy size 10, no longer obsessed with food.

Still the straight-talking Scouser she always was, Melanie admits she was very much against the recent Spice Girls’ reunion.

She explains: “I was the one who didn’t want the reunion. I took a hell of a lot of persuading because I was so reluctant to go back into it for all sorts of reasons.

“Part of it was I felt we could never recapture those times, and there was a big part of me that just didn’t want to be reminded of who I was back then.

“It’s amazing to think that as part of the biggest band on the planet I spent most of my time completely miserable because I had a terrible eating disorder.

“At the height of it all I wasn’t eating and I was exercising so much my periods stopped and my bone density was low.”

But her main worry is the impact her skinny image may have had on her fans: “The worst thing for me was that I was a role model to millions of young girls,” she says.

In the end, Melanie decided that a reunion would finally put her demons to rest.

She smiles: “Eventually I thought: ‘Why not?’ The other girls really wanted to do it. At first I was frightened of being overwhelmed by all those old feelings, but then I started to feel that maybe this was something I had to do.

“The idea of putting on a great pop show was appealing, as was the idea of spending time with the girls.

“It was an incredibly positive experience. We’re all older and wiser, and we put a lot of ghosts to rest on that tour.

“When it was over, I was finally proud to be a Spice Girl. All those frightened, negative, mixed feelings had disappeared.

“Whatever was said, we all got on incredibly well. We’ve had our fights and feuds, but we’re now more like sisters than friends.”

Not that there’s likely to be a repeat of the band’s reunion.

“When it finished, we all knew that was it. Never again. But in a good way,” she says.

Right now, Melanie’s thoughts are close to home – her true home of Liverpool – where she is returning to headline a gig in memory of 11-year-old Rhys Jones, who was shot dead while out on his bike a year ago.

“I’m from Liverpool and I was horrified, shocked and saddened when I read about little Rhys,” she says. “Like everyone else, I just wanted to do anything I could to help.

“It terrifies me to think that little kids are growing up in a country that is getting more and more violent. Kids carrying knives is just too awful to think about, but we can’t sit around being shocked. We all have to do what we can to try to stop it.

“All I think about is what sort of low self-esteem and sense of self-worth these kids have if they accept that being killed in this culture of violence is just a fact of their lives.

“I grew up in a typical working-class area of Liverpool. After school my mum didn’t see me because I was outside all the time playing. But kids can’t do that any more. All the innocence of childhood is slowly being stripped away.

“It also makes me sad to think that girls start worrying about their weight at such a young age. It’s crazy. I hope society wakes up to the way we’re bringing up our kids.”

Melanie’s immediate future includes more touring.

“I’ve just come back from Canada,” she says, then leans forward and adds: “But they’re a bit behind with their gossip. They kept asking me whether I was a lesbian, which was funny and quite sweet.

“I haven’t been asked that in years. I know everyone thought I was gay when I had my hair cut and put on a bit of weight, and, of course, because of my tattoos.”

Misconceptions? All part and parcel of life as Melanie Chisholm, apparently…

Mel C's Cosmopolitan Interview

Magazine: Cosmopolitan
Country: England
Writer: -
Date: November
Typed by: Anna Marina & Luisa Damulakis

As one fifth of the biggest girl band in the world, Melanie C, 33, went to hell and back to look good. Here, she reveals how she got through her darkest days and spills her secrets on finding true happiness.

“It’s been funny being back in the whole Spice Girls bubble again,” says Melanie, wearing – wait for it – a tracksuit. The former Sporty Spice has been impressing the Cosmo team all morning with her new ultra-sophisticated look, complete with a sparkly top and sky-high stilettos. Then, the minute the photo shoot is done, she settles down for a cuppa and a chat, changing right back into her trademark trackie. You can take the girl out of the Spice Girls…
“We’ve kept in touch over the years,” she continues, sitting cross-legged on a sofa at one end of the London studio. “But we’ve never really had time all together, so I’m looking forward to that. For me, the tour is very much about nostalgia. It’s two months and then it’s over – bye-bye and thank you.”

What about the rumours that there are already new rifts between the famous five? “It’s fun to see that nobody has really changed that much,” she says. “But then again, that also has it downside. We don’t have punch-ups anymore, like we used to at 22, when there would be a few too many drinks and we’d all get overexcited. But we’ve never been like the Gallagher brothers…”

You mean you never held anyone down by the throat? “No! But I wanted to,” she laughs. “Melanie B and Geri’s relationship was always very fiery; they were either inseparable or had big blazing rows.” We remind her of the others theories – in 2005 Melanie B’s ex-husband Jimmy Gulzar hinted that his then-wife and Geri had been more than just friends.

“That isn’t true,” Melanie laughs. Then, with a wink, adds, “As far as I know. No, they were both just very passionate. The main difference with us now is a slight – and I emphasize ‘slight’ – mellowing. We never knew until that press conference whether or not the chemistry was still there, but it was and it feels quite magical to be together. My concern was that we were always a bit raucous and shambolic, and maybe that’s quite charming when you’re in your twenties, but now we’re on our thirties, can we get away with it?”

Since the Spice Girls split in 2000, after the surprise defection of Geri in 1998, they’ve all had their share of solo success – Melanie C more than the rest with four solo albums and a bunch of top-10 hits. But along with that, they’ve also has their share of dark times: Melanie B may still be living through hers, what with the ongoing Eddie Murphy saga (she’s since married Stephen Belafonte); Geri has had her eating disorders; and Victoria has had to deal with rumours of David’s infidelity and the continuing issue with her weight.

“Emma’s the only one who’s gone unscathed,” says Melanie, whose own dark times included severe depression and an eating disorder. “When I was diagnoses with depression, I was relieved because I’d been wondering what the hell was wrong with me,” she says matter-of-factly. “But I was also quite shocked because I never really saw myself as a person who would be depressed. I suppose for anyone who grows up wanting to be famous, there’s an underlying insecurity. So when you’re thrust into that world, there are going to be repercussions.”

BODY CHAOS
For Melanie, the whole thing centered on her striving to look perfect. She ended up eating only fruit and vegetables, and going to the gym excessively. “I’d have this little voice in my head saying, ‘You can’t live like this.’ Then another voice would say, ‘You have no choice.’ I was having this internal battle, but when you have an eating disorder you’re embarrassed about it. I became secretive and quite isolated in the band. I was like a robot, thinking that was how it had to be. And then my body took over and said, ‘No, it’s not’, which is when I started binge eating and putting on all the weight. Luckily, thank God, I never made myself sick or took laxatives.”

It didn’t help that the press was using this sudden weight gain and an opportunity to label her Butch Spice and start openly wondering if Melanie was a lesbian. They linked her romantically with her assistant and even ran pictures of the bed the ‘couple’ were supposedly sharing. “At first that made me laugh because it wasn’t ever something that had crossed my mind,” says the still tomboyish Melanie.

“And then it kind of pissed me off when I thought, ‘Because I have short hair and am quite muscular with a few tattoos, am I the stereotypical lesbian?’ But I don’t think it did me any harm. I’ve always had a huge gay and lesbian following and I’m really proud of that.”
We ask her if there was ever any truth in those rumours (looking deep into her eyes!) and she screams, “No!” What, not even a girl-on-girl snog? “Not in a sexual way. Jokingly with the Spice Girls, maybe. A few of them have had snogs.” And that’s as far as it went sex-wise with the Spices? “As far as I know,” she says, laughing. “When I was in the room, at any rate.” But the way she felt at the time was no laughing matter.

Melanie’s body chaos saw her piling on the pounds and shedding them just as rapidly. And she starved herself until her periods eventually stopped altogether. “I’ve never had suicidal thoughts,” she insists.
”I’ve been in bed and thought I’d rather not wake up in the morning, but I think there’s a difference between thinking that and doing something about it.”
Melanie’s recovery started when she finally visited her GP. Antidepressants, counseling and even acupuncture helped her start to feel better. “I was desperate to get my menstrual cycle back,” she says, “I didn’t have a period for years, but when you’re young you don’t worry about having children. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences, I was concerned about not looking fat in photos.”

BACK ON TRACK
Melanie says that the other Spice Girls tried to talk to her about her weight but believes it’s hard to approach somebody when they don’t want hear it. “If anyone broached the subject, I’d just keep them at arm’s length,” she explains. And it still breaks her heart to see people like Nicole Richie slim down to nothing (even if she has bounced back now that she’s pregnant).
”It freaks me out,” says Melanie of Nicole. “When I was first in the public eye, I was already thin. With someone like Nicole, who used to be quite a curvy girl, she started losing weight and looked quite thin for a while. It got to the point where my heart sank and it just brought it all back.”
Now Melanie’s very much back on track, although she stills suffers temporary downs. “I never feel as bad as I felt then but everyone has low days. Just fewer and further between. And my boyfriend’s company is enough to lift my mood.”

Ah, yes, the elusive boyfriend. The lucky man in question is property developer Thomas Starr. They have been together for nearly six years and, even though there are no rings on significant fingers, it’s a very serious relationship. “I met Thomas at a really good time,” she says. “I wasn’t 100% but I was well on the way to recovery and he was the final piece of jigsaw. Just to have somebody love you and find you attractive makes you think, “Yeah, I’m alright!’ Not that I want to sound like a woman who needs a man’s approval, of course. But I was single for such a long time and I was lonely. People would say, ‘Oh, you’re never going to meet anyone if you don’t go out,’ and I was like, ‘I don’t want to meet some idiot in a bar.’”

Her relationship has obviously worked wonders for Melanie. Today, she’s glowing. And, we might add, that’s not due to the rumoured Botox and fillers loved by the rich and famous. “I’m open to the idea of plastic surgery, but it freaks me out,” she says. “I’ve just got an anti-Botox fringe.” She now has a healthy, balanced diet with treats and a sensible exercise regime. She does cross-training, running, mountain biking and yoga. (“But I’m no Madonna!”)
So what has Thomas got that her exes – like Jason ‘J’ Brown from boy band Five – don’t? “They weren’t adult relationships,” Melanie says, still grimacing at the memory. “I wasn’t well at the time and it was just a bizarre situation. It was never going to work – we were two people in bands and both quite screwed up by the whole experience.”

Ask if there will be the sound of wedding bells in the near future and Melanie just smiles sheepishly. “Getting married is not at the forefront of my mind, but we intend to be together forever. He’s 40 and I’m 33, and I think age gap works. He’s my sugar daddy.”
True, Thomas is a millionaire in his own right, but surely that’s not a match for those Spice dollars? “I don’t even think about that. I just feel safe with him and I’d love to be a mum. At my age, the clock is ticking, so I don’t want to leave it that long. I do lots of live shows and festivals, which is a lifestyle that won’t suit having a child. I need to seriously consider taking a bit of time out for that.”
But with that mega Spice Girls tour coming up – and a whopping three million ticket requests already in – it’s probably not worth knitting any bootees just yet.

THE SPICE YEARS
A look back at the girls through the ages…
It might have been more than a decade since the Spice Girls released mega-hit Wannabe in 1996, but how much have the fivesome really changed since the days when they first brought Girl Power to Britain and the rest of the world?
OK, so Melanie C is the only one without kids and there’s no trainer or Union Jack dress in sight. But Posh still doesn’t smile, Baby still doesn’t stop smiling and Mel B remains as fiery as ever (even with her new grown-up hair). Which is why we can’t wait for their The Return Of The Spice Girls tour, which kicks off in Vancouver, Canada, on 2 December and comes to London on 15 December.
Let’s hope Victoria invites her new Hollywood crew – we’re dying to see Tom and Katie getting down to Spice Up You Life…

The Cosmo Quiz

Name: Melanie Chisholm
Nickname: Mel C, Sporty Spice

1)My favourite part of my body is:
MC: d-Other
My hands! They have a few scars on, each a memory.

2)My favourite celeb man is:
MC: Stephen Fry. I love him!

3)I feel sexiest in:
MC: a- A designer dress
Don’t wear them much, when I’m lucky enough to be lent one I feel quite special

4)The last book I read was:
MC: Buried, Mark Billingham, a great British crime writer. DI Thorne always gets his men.

5) If I wasn’t a singer I’d be a:
MC: e- Other
I’m an animal lover, I’d like a zoo! Or a farm.

6) My favourite TV show is:
MC: Coronation Street

7) The movie I watch over and over is:
MC: Shaun of the dead, Simon Pegg is a genious.

My worst habit is:
MC: Cracking my knuckles.

9) My friends always make fun of me for:
MC: Being a ridiculous drunk!

10) I like men who are:
MC: b - Funny
e – Clever
f – Sporty (of course)
g – Other
LOADED!! Just kiddin’

11) I’ve been in love:
MC: a – Once

12) Love is:
MC: Having someone who brings out the best in you.

13) My idea of a romantic night is:
MC: b – Dinner in a swanky restaurant
d – A spontaneous trip to Paris
e – An evening picnic in the park with champagne

They all sound good.

14) The best thing about being famous is:
MC: Strangers complimenting you in the street.

15) I’m not as BIG as I look ON THE TELE!

16) You’ll be shocked to find out I’ve never:
MC: Had a filling!

17) My wedding will be:
MC: b – Small, low key and intimate

18) One thing I’ve learnt about men that I wish I knew 10 years ago is:
MC: Still haven’t learnt anything.

19) My most embarrassing moment:
My pants splitting on stage on Miami

20) The best party I ever went to was:
Courtney Love’s birthday party in LA in 1998. Rock + Roll!

borderline

Bestfriend

(phase three)

How will you know if you found the one you’ve been looking for all your life? I don’t know. But I have faith in fate. I always believe in destiny. In my life, I always learn the hard way and my heart is the greatest weapon I have to understand the enigma of life.

I wish I could perfectly describe how blessed I am to have you and be a part of my crucial journey.

Sometimes when you least expect something, it surprisingly come knocking at the door of your heart. The tendency: you open it selflessly with the key of dreamy expectations to embrace happiness. I know we’re just human enough to use our heart, let someone enter our life and let them invade our secret garden of emotions. We tend to become blind when the heart decides without using the mind rationally.

Does having a heart make us weak? I hope not, for I believe this is our greatest weapon to fathom the depths of life and its unseen enigma (as I’ve always said).

Moving away from home and nursing a wounded heart is a crucial test to overcome. With tragic memories and broken hope lingering, it’s hard to be your real self again. It’s hard to keep the sunshine in your life even if the daylight burns your skin while your heart is forced in forgetting the past.

Then days before another year ended, an email brought a piece of sunshine in my gloomy soul. He was a stranger who saw rays of light with my optimistic words via my online profile in one of the famous friendship site in the internet. He was convinced that I put my heart in everything that I say and write. He unveiled himself truthfully and made me feel again through the weight of his words, expressing his search to find something real within me. Was it friendship or something more?

I was impressed by his optimism and persistence to believe that I might be the one he was looking for. In the middle of his getting-to-know phrases and promises there were “maybe-it’s-you” thoughts that started to linger in my mind. It was sincere and honest. Then I find myself risking something to fill the loneliness inside him. His presence contained in his emails took my breath away.

One day he gave me his phone number through an email. He trusted me with his reveries and secrets from the other side of the world. But instead, I refused and decided to give my own mobile number to test if he would sincerely call me and hoping there’s something special that existed between us. Here’s the catch: If he calls me up then it would mean that I mean something important for him and if he won’t then it was nothing but a huge fallacy to go on hoping.

But he called me up one morning. I was surprised and it was real, so real that I finally heard his voice for the first time. For almost ten minutes, we talk about everything I need to know about him and what he is capable of doing with his genuine heart.

I never hesitated to pour my heart out for I am someone blessed with radiant optimism inside me. I never lost my hope throughout the years when my life was screwed up by wrongly entrusting my heart to people who intentionally broke it. I always have faith in the world and that somewhere out there, someone is intended for me. One morning, I woke up and realized something strange yet relevant about my foretold destiny from an old friend. A year ago, when I was in my most crucial moment of dealing a badly wounded heart, my old friend with the gift to see the future told me that someone, a man from afar will come to show me the answer in my endless longings and set the sunshine back in my darkened life. A life ruined by my careless attempts to find true love from wrong choices. I didn’t truly believe her thinking it was another useless attempt to comfort my broken heart...not until now the day I finally realized that life is cloaked in unexpected chances. I smiled after remembering her words because I have proven that hope never fails and there’s nothing to lose if we hope for the best. Though my old friend died months ago and it was unfair for not attending her funeral, I never failed to express my gratitude every time I close my eyes to sleep at night and wake up hoping for the best. (Am I a cruel friend?) And knowing that I found a new bestfriend from a distance and anticipating his coming from a forgotten prediction, it makes life better that any other blockbuster movies in Hollywood. I mean, life is bigger than cinematic films when it takes its twist and turns.

The emails keep coming everyday and hope sparked within me. My secret world of poetry became my friend’s coat that warmed him in the middle of the cold night. It feels like he started to make me a better poet everyday with his straightforward yet sincere words. And suddenly, it feels right to anticipate his email everyday that kept going without hesitation to smile. I responded sincerely. I poured my unspoken reveries without holding back as if we are long lost lovers destined hold each and started to look above to embrace the sunlight. We have each other and we mean it in every word we scribbled in our emails day after day.

I was amazed on how could he trust me so much and make me believe with his hopeful words. Most of the time, I am a self-hating person when everything doesn’t work the way I wanted and oftentimes trapped in my world of anxiety when I get sober. You see, all my life I was never been so completely confident and felt I am alone in my long journey. My innocence and youthful thoughts were stripped away by my fear, the fear to lose in the game of life.

But he optimistic I am better than the old and confused person I used to be. I was even sincere to tell him about the things I am afraid and honest enough to admit my vulnerabilities. Adamantly, he was determined to bring out the best in me and the hidden strength I have inside me. He was the best yet strangest person to embrace me for who I am no matter how complicated I can be most of the time. He showed me hope when I express despondency, he understands me when I get emotional and told me I was beautiful inside when I have nothing to show outside. He has the heart to rub and polish me like a piece of stone from the ground ton unveil the diamond hidden in my soul.

Let me ask you: can you find a stranger like him from the other side of the world to tell you wholeheartedly that you are worth to be loved amid the complexities you have outside? He was a miracle, a fallen star from heaven that filled the empty space inside me. But what touched me most were his simple yet heartwarming words: “learn to love yourself some more so that you could love the world better... you deserved to be loved for the simple thought”.

It was perfect until friendship set foot and draw the line. He said that I was pushing my luck too much by implying I was in love with him and he was in love with me. After saying those words, I had serious contemplation of reality check over and over again. But set aside the hesitation, the self-questioning theory and the vivid truth. I immersed myself in selfish denial and hope for nothing but the best even if at the back of my head certainty remained unclear. Am I afraid to lose something I found after a crucial and endless search? Is it serious fallacy to fall for a bestfriend for the third time? I don’t know(again). But again and again, fate led me to endure another day in life of waiting, hoping and losing something worth fighting.

Sometimes we wanted someone badly because we thought they could complete our life, they have something we needed hoping we could fill the emptiness inside us. But sometimes destiny has its own way to show us the answer. And the truth is, happiness isn’t something we can find from anybody or somewhere else. We are the ones who can find it by ourselves at the right time and at the right place. We all have our own life to live and sometimes it’s worth to wait until we can find the answer ...through goodbyes and letting go, heartaches and hurt, blindness and insensibilities after friendship unlock the door of possibilities. The road in search for answers might be long and tiring, sacrifices must be made to befriend truth and happiness.

Lastly, love and friendship knows no language or boundaries. It only needs a heart to understand and another heart to find the key that could open life’s enigma. But I never ever regret falling in love with my bestfriends because it even made me more human, it made my heart more beautiful and capable to love unconditionally.

Postscript: It was a dream I guess and one day I could tell myself that I’m not in love anymore. And I’m learning and doing something in life-changing for good. But regrets are for fools and I will never ever regret what I did for the sake of love and friendship. It is my nature to live with it as well...

tour galore!

Return of Spice Girls tour: bestselling tour of 2007

Whether you like it or NOT! The world's favorite girl power quintet is hailed as the most expensive Popstars to ever return on global tour last year. Get away Hannah Montana and Pussycat Dolls, Spice Girls still rules. Madonna knows that as well, hehe!

The Associated Press has just released the top 20 concert tours of 2007 and The Spice Girls came out on top, no surprise there! Here is the list of the top 20:

1. (New) The Spice Girls; $1,665,476; $108.68.
2. (New) Van Halen; $1,256,744; $103.84.
3. (1) Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus ``Best Of Both Worlds''; $1,003,152; $57.13.
4. (3) Rascal Flatts; $791,830; $70.18.
5. (5) Ozzy Osbourne; $687,965; $73.24.
6. (6) Trans-Siberian Orchestra; $648,609; $40.88.
7. (8) Michael Buble; $600,681; $70.69.
8. (7) Mana; $594,018; $45.33.
9. (9) Chris Brown; $591,281; $64.42.
10. (10) Linkin Park; $541,989; $46.11.
11. (11) Foo Fighters; $447,511; $40.41.
12. (New) Reba McEntire / Kelly Clarkson; $442,409; $52.49.
13. (12) matchbox twenty; $420,028; $56.18.
14. (New) ``Dancing With The Stars''; $402,202; $72.34.
15. (13) Brad Paisley; $358,321; $45.68.
16. (15) Kid Rock; $358,216; $40.00.
17. (14) Jonas Brothers; $330,858; $44.90.
18. (16) Larry The Cable Guy; $256,846; $43.92.
19. (17) Katt Williams; $250,161; $49.77.
20. (18) Three Days Grace; $170,186; $33.62.

"10 Golden Rules of Girl Power":

1. Be positive
2. Be strong
3. Don't let anyone put you down.
4. Be in control of your own life and your destiny.
5. Support your girl friends,
6. and let them support you, too.
7. Say what's on your mind.
8. Approach life with attitude.
9. Don't let anyone tell you that you can never do something because you're a girl.
10. Have fun!

Bestfriend: phase one

Bestfriend

(phase one)

I should be sleeping now. Resting my tired soul from another day which I borrowed from fate, again. Everyday feels like another pain to live and another lonely experience to endure without enough reason to go on.

It’s 12:30 in the midnight and my mind doesn’t want rest. Haunted, bothered and worried. How am I supposed to endure another day tomorrow when the same fear and uncertainties would come knocking at my door?

It’s past midnight but my heart won’t keep me safe from hesitation. My head is on the verge of recalling, remembering or looking back even if I don’t want to dig the memories. They say I am too sentimental sometimes. They say I am too emotional most of the time. And most of the time, I always hesitate to move on and just couldn’t leave the past behind. How am I supposed to do that? When I was made this way and look at the world with so much sentiments and regrets.

I wish I was someone else. I wish I could be stronger like you or anybody else. But I can’t do anything about it rather than follow my heart most of the time and carry the weight of the world at my shoulder whenever I am hurt.

For such a long time already, we know each other by words we wrote in emails or chat conversations. You know that I am emotional most of the time and that makes me more vulnerable than ever. I hope I could wish my feelings away. But these are all part of me and pieces of me wanting to let go.

Well, what can you expect from someone who was born with lonely memories and turn his inner sentiments into foolish poetic mumblings? I may be artistic in weaving words into enigmatic lines but it all came from my inner woes and unspoken melancholy. I need to remember the hurt, how I was hurt and who hurt me just to write something misunderstood. Though it feels good to write about it still it makes me a weaker man, a vulnerable soul.

Friend, I’ve had enough of useless words circling around the bushes of my denial and excuses. I’ve had enough of everything that keeps me hold back the tears meant to flow or wounds that deserves healing... inside.

I’m afraid to call someone my bestfriend because sometimes being friends is the best excuse to hurt someone who expected to be treated more than a friend. I don’t to avoid that “word” just because it might lead to disappointments. It is because I usually fall for that one.

I don’t want to fall for a friend whom I realized I truly care about the day he forgot to say goodbye on our graduation day. God, I realize I was a fool to neglect him during those times he tried to reach out to me. He tried to show me how it feels to care for people selflessly and expect no return. He was there to show me the meaning of keeping my feet on the ground and accept that not everything in life is about loneliness. He taught me that music is a channel of emotions. Whether ballad or rock it’s still rooted in love. He taught me that not all people are fake and I should open my heart to understand what others should feel. We were so good, the best of friends and he was a friend who always forgive me whenever I did something wrong.

Our friendship was challenge by judgmental minds around us and people who don’t understand how it is to truly love your bestfriend even without telling him how much he means to me (deep inside). He was a friend who taught me that I shouldn’t care what other people might think about us because what we share was real and sincere. But on the night he told me how much I mean to him, I hold back and shut my mouth about how I truly feel just because I couldn’t accept who I really I am and why I tend to feel this way.

Then I started to make fun of his emotions and mistreated him hoping he would always forgive me. I just thought that he was always ready to forgive me and understand me if I would hurt him. I always thought that he would accept all my excuses just because my parents did all the excuses to break my heart and gave me all the reason not to trust people since I was young.

It took more than a year to cling on to my worthless pride by not talking or ignoring him even if he was trying to reach out for me. But I was stonehearted outside just to show him that I don’t need him. But the truth is, I am brokenhearted inside longing to hold him, talk to him and tell him how I miss the things we used to do. I miss those times we were talking nonsense stuff outside their garden at night while counting the stars in the night sky. I miss his nonsensical jokes that made me laugh and watch his cute eyes wink. I miss those times when he used to share the answers of our math quiz because I am pathetic when it comes to this subject. And all I can do every time I miss him was to hide behind the wall and watch him waiting for me from afar.

So when I promise myself to finally break the silence and talk to him on our graduation day, he never showed up. I can’t forget how my classmates appreciate the tears I shed on our graduation ceremony. They thought I cried for them because we were parting ways soon and start a new life ahead, grow up and finally leave high school life behind. But they were wrong because deep inside, I cry for my bestfriend who failed to say goodbye on our graduation day.

He failed to attend our graduation and say goodbye because he was trying his luck for a scholarship interview. He never told me that before he disappeared because I was pathetic to hold on to my worthless pride for a long time. And denied the reality that he was trying to be there for me amid the silence I created between us. I did the biggest mistake of my life and that mistake haunts me more than ever. For the past seven years, my regret was turned into a memory of loneliness that would haunt me in my sleep every night. He was always there, making me feel guilty and incomplete.

It took me seven years to finally got the chance to meet him face to face again. But that special moment only lasted for 20 minutes because I decided to leave. I want to talk to him but something tells me to runaway. To let him go even if the heart never wanted to let go... of everything we’ve been through. So I walk away even if his hands were pulling me back. I left because I had to hide my tears and look again in his enigmatic eyes that silently express of how much I mean to him. But when I started to look back, I lost him again in oblivion, in uncertainty, hoping that fate would set our path to cross again. And before he faded away, all I got was blank text messages and unspoken words of his true feelings.

The meeting happened again but after nine years. But it is too late this time. Too late to realize that he was already married and my chances to talk was over.

They say first love never dies. As for me, it dies but not the experience or the lessons learned. So I decided that when another bestfriend comes around, I would choose the other way around. No more silence or denials but only certainty and selfless response.

And it did come knocking at my door again. But this time, a bestfriend isn’t always the best one your heart chooses and my perception about love would change.

Did I get what I wished for?

It’s 2:30 AM and I should live another day tomorrow, again.

(end of phase one...)

love stuff

Shelter: it’s where you’ll find life’s realities and love in its rare form

"Cute young artist, skateboarder, surfer with complicated family life and responsibilities falls for best friends uncomplicated and successful older brother. Will the relationship work out?"

I love the film, I really do. For me, It is an instant classic since Brokeback Mountain. It tells the story of being different and judged by the homophobic world without seeing the capacity of your heart. In it’s core and essence, the film stay away from the usual gay-themed films with crisp and natural form but reveals deeply relevant storytelling. I must say that it has so much sensitivity and passion, capable of bagging filmmaking awards internationally. I love how it unveils the hardship of coming-out, accepting the existence of love, friendship and the importance of family as a home. A home is not always what we used to know but it will be a home once it is filled with hearts willing to love unconditionally. A home is where you’ll feel safe from the blindness of the world sometimes.

So I wrapped up some rave reviews about the film and a synopsis. We hope it would leave the same echo in your heart as much as I do. The film is indeed an instant classic for those who wanted to look for a break from the usual sci-fi, pop culture movies.

The synopsis:

Forced to give up his dreams of art school in order to take care of his family, Zach (Trevor Wright) has become accustomed to a life where he neglects his own needs in favor of taking care of others. He spends his time working a dead-end job at a diner, and skates the urban streets of San Pedro stenciling his signature “crane” wherever he can find vacant wall space. At home he takes care of his nephew, Cody (Jackson Wurth), as his older sister, Jeanne (Tina Holmes), has clearly shown that her priorities lie elsewhere. Perhaps conveniently, with all his responsibilities, he barely has time to see his long term on-again, off-again girlfriend, Tori (Katie Walder).

When his best friend’s older brother, Shaun (Brad Rowe), returns home to cure a case of writer’s block, Shaun and Zach begin hanging out. Zach sees in Shaun someone who has truly claimed his own life and embraced his talent. Zach is both intimidated and surprisingly attracted to him. The two quickly transition from casual surf buddies into a true, intimate relationship. Shaun presses Zach to take control of his life, and to take ownership of his artwork. He also develops a strong bond with Cody, and Zach happily notices the positive effect Shaun’s attention has on him. As time progresses, however, a host of new issues come up. Zach struggles with his identity, his family, and friends, while trying to understand the new emotions Shaun has brought into his life. When the cat is let out of the bag, Jeanne threatens to take Cody away. Wanting nothing but the best for him, Zach is forced to decide between his pattern of always putting others’ desires first or fighting for what is really most important and appropriate for both his and Cody’s future.

International reviews:

“for all these reasons, it's important that films like this continue to be made. there are many beautiful, memorable things about SHELTER -- the plot, the character-development, the cinematography, and [yes] the acting. one of the most impressive aspects of the story is how completely it avoids the myriad gay cliches that have plagued the movies -- gay = mentally ill; gay = doomed to tragedy and death; gay = sexual predator; gay = obsessed with clubbing and drugs and material wealth. gay = incapable of actual love or of a happy family life. in avoiding all these tiresome platitudes, SHELTER offers a refreshing [and much more accurate] image of what it means to be gay in 21st-century America”

MTV

"In the sweet and sexy romance Shelter, the chemistry between two surfer guys magnetically played by Brad Rowe and newcomer Trevor Wright is so electric, so palatable that even the most ardent nitpickers won't break a sweat over the small stuff."

Randy Myers, Costa Rica Times

"Shelter rises very high indeed, thanks to a superb performance by Trevor Wright in the lead role, a strong supporting cast, very good cinematography and, most of all, emotional authenticity."

David Wiegand, San Francisco Chronicles

"Shelter may only be shoreline deep, and its ending fanciful, but the film captures the beauty, thrill and ache of young love and extracts a casual joy out of the process."

Sid Smith Chicago Tribune

"What could have been a standard-issue coming-out, coming-of-age movie develops a remarkable intimacy."

John Hartl Seattle Times

soap stuff

The Best Year might be the best soap ever in American TV

Lately, my heart is caught off-guard and fell head over heels in love with a new American TV series I accidentally saw at Velvet channel in Sky Cable. From the first time I watch the TV series, I was intrigued to the interactions of the characters especially Samantha Best who holds a lot of sad stories about her family. He college life will bring her to a journey of emotions, drama and discovery. Not to mention some cute guys killing each other just to have her in their lives, a bunch of interesting friends and a whole lot more you can expect from a real soap opera. So here’s a synopsis of the TV series that made me hooked. The series is mesmerizing a lot fans around the world lately. Though I haven’t seen the last episode of the season one, I will try to look for it. I love the story, I can relate to it…and so is everyone who had a harsh college life, hehe!

Synopsis from the official website: www.thebestyears.tv

The Best Years, the highly anticipated hour-long drama created by Aaron Martin (Degrassi: The Next Generation), follows orphaned and full-ride scholar, Samantha Best (Charity Shea), as she starts her freshman year at the prestigious Charles University in Boston, Massachusetts. Samantha has been shuffled through the foster care system her entire life and is finally looking forward to a future of new opportunities and friendships. She has to contend with the ins and outs of college as she struggles to find her own identity.

Along the way Samantha meets her new roommate Kathryn Klarner, (Jennifer Miller) a rich socialite from one of the most prominent families in the mid-west; Devon Sylver, (Brandon Jay McLaren) a fellow scholarship recipient and star basketball player who has caught her eye; Dawn Vargas (Athena Karkanis) child actor who trades in Hollywood for university; Trent Hamilton (Niall Matter) part-time student and full-time head bartender at Boston’s hot spot, Colony; and Noah Jensen (Randal Edwards) Devon’s room-mate, a business major with a future planned in Hollywood. With a part-time job at Colony, Samantha finds herself juggling a lot more than just academics. With her new-found friends, her employer, Lee Campbell (Alan van Sprang) and the benefactress of her scholarship, Dorothy O’Sullivan (Sherry Miller), Samantha has found her new, occasionally dysfunctional, family.

The Best Years is created and executive produced by Aaron Martin. BLUEPRINT ENTERTAINMENT’s Noreen Halpern and John Morayniss also serve as executive producers. Brenda Greenberg, Peter Bray and Wendy Grean are producers. Paul Jackson is a consultant for the series and Karen McClellan and Sean Reycraft are co-producers. The series’ editors are Paul Day and Paul Winestock. The show’s theme song, ‘Infinite Possibility’ is written and performed by Mark Wiebe a.k.a. Markattack (a.k.a. Sinewave).

The Best Years is produced by BLUEPRINT ENTERTAINMENT in association with CanWest MediaWorks Inc. and The N, with the participation of The Canadian Film or Video Production THE BEST YEARS

Promotional news about the TV series from the official website:

All-new original series From acclaimed Writer/Producer, Aaron Martin

Debuts May 22 - 10PM ET/PT (60 mins.)

Toronto, April 26, 2007 - The choices you make now could last a lifetime…The Best Years, this season's all-new original drama captures the highs and lows of campus life through the eyes of six college freshmen.

From Global Television and Aaron Martin (writer/executive roducer, Degrassi: The Next Generation), this 13-part series makes its world television debut Tuesdays at 10pm ET/PT beginning May 22nd.

“We’re thrilled to bring this smart, sexy new series to Global,” said Christine Shipton, Vice President of Original Programming for CanWest MediaWorks Inc. “The Best Years delivers top-notch writing, compelling storylines and a talented young cast – a combination we know our audiences will love.”

Audiences nationwide can live The Best Years along with central character, Samantha Best (Charity Shea, “Alpha Dog”) as she begins her freshman year at prestigious Charles University in Boston , MA . Orphaned at a young age, Samantha is leaving her foster-home past behind - full scholarship in hand - to take on the future, and the hallowed halls of the Ivy League.

Along the way she meets her new, occasionally dysfunctional surrogate family, including socialite roommate Kathryn Klarner (Jennifer Miller, “Instant Star”); fellow scholarship recipient, star basketball player and potential crush, Devon Sylver (Brandon Jay McLaren, “She’s The Man”); Dawn Vargas (Athena Karkanis, “Kevin Hill”), a former child star who trades in Hollywood for university; Trent Hamilton (Niall Matter, “Heaven Or Something Like It”), part-time student and full-time bartender; and Noah Jensen (Randal Edwards,“Smallville”), Devon’s room-mate, a business major with a future planned in Hollywood.

“As a first time television series creator, it’s an adrenaline rush seeing the show come to fruition on the small screen. I am extremely grateful to Global Television for their continued support throughout the process,” said creator and executive producer Aaron Martin.

“Global is a great supporter of Canadian talent, and in Aaron, they have a creator who has delivered in spades – this is a series that promises to be a hit at home and around the world”, said executive producer Noreen Hal pern.

The Best Years is also slated to premiere this summer on The N, a programming arm of MTV Networks in the US , and is distributed internationally by FremantleMedia Enterprises, the commercial arm of FremantleMedia, one of the largest international creators and producers of program brands in the world.

Produced by BLUEPRINT ENTERTAINMENT in association with CanWest MediaWorks Inc. and The N with the participation of The Canadian Film or Video Production Tax Credit; and The Ontario Film and Television Tax Credit. BLUEPRINT ENTERTAINMENT’s Noreen Hal pern and John Morayniss also serve as executive producers. Karen King-Chigbo is Production Executive and Christine Shipton is Vice President, Original Programming for Global Television.

Spice on the list

Revenge is Sweet

Former Spice Girls star Mel B is set to get her revenge on ex-lover Eddie Murphy on her new solo album.

The singer - who has a 14-month-old daughter Angel Iris with the Beverly Hills Cop actor - has penned a hate-filled track to vent her frustration at Eddie, who she claims rarely sees Angel.

She told Britain's New! magazine: "The working title on my new song is Beverly Hills C**k because that is what he is. He never bothers with his daughter. I mean, what kind of man is that?"

However, Mel has admitted she may have to tone down the lyrics because Eddie's legal team have asked to hear the song before her LP is released.

She added: "His lawyers will be vetting the lyrics closely."

Eddie dumped Mel while she was pregnant with Angel, and then questioned the paternity of his baby.

A DNA test later proved he was the father.

Mel, 33, recently revealed she isn't worried about going it alone and working on her third solo LP.

She said: "I am not scared of having another try. I am working with the best producers ever. I am now 10 tracks in to my new record."

Spice Girls Power Back onto Forbes List

The Spice Girls' have been propelled back into the Forbes Most Powerful Celebrity List after nine years.

Their return is thought to be attributable to their recent money-spinning tour.

The band are 50th in the famous list, ranked according to the influence of a celebrity in one year.

David Beckham moves from 15th last year to fifth in 2008, thanks to his return to the England team.

Oprah Winfrey retains the top spot for the second consecutive year.

Golfer Tiger Woods is second, followed by actress Angelina Jolie, and singer Beyonce Knowles.

JK Rowling is ninth, from 48th place last year, and is the highest earner on the list - having made £153 million this year.

The Police enter the Forbes list for the first time, at number seven, thanks to a world tour.

Gordon Ramsay makes his debut in 95th place after launching restaurants and a TV series in the US.

Simon Cowell is at 22 from 21 last year, Keira Knightley up from 71 to 37, and Daniel Radcliffe is at 64.

The list is ordered according to how much celebrities are paid and the levels of attention they receive.

Mel B Writes Black Hannah Montana

Former Spice Girls star Melanie Brown has written a new sitcom which she describes as the "black version" of hit children's TV series Hannah Montana.

Brown has penned the script and is set to star in the new series, which has been picked up by TV channel Nickelodeon and is scheduled to go into production later this year.

The singer claims the show has a style similar to teen star Miley Cyrus' programme Hannah Montana - which has been a major global success - but insists it will appeal more to young, black kids.

She says, "I've written my own sitcom that's just been picked up by Nickelodeon that I start at Christmas."

"I'm the star of it. It's a bit like Hannah Montana, but the black version."