late night insomnia

Hold

I know if I keep dealing

With these thoughts

I would surely hurt myself

Much more than I expected

So I won’t hold you back

And tell myself over and over again

That there are things beyond our control

The heart can wait

It waits until the next eternity

Of another forgotten eternity

Now that I’ll be alone tonight

It gives me time to realize

Just how much I cared for you

The friendship you left never leaves me

It reminds me of my capacity to love

Selflessly

Truthfully

Sincerely

I know I won’t hold you back now

You know I can’t hold you back then

You always have a choice to stay

And reasons to stay away or remain silent

But if I have a few more reasons to beg

I should have told you that what we had was perfect

Your words filled up the emptiness within me

It may not be years or a lifetime together

But it might be enough to complete me

So If I have another shot of letting you know

This email should have contained my heart

And my dream to be with you is written as a postscript

So as I listen to a heartwarming song

While waiting for you to sign in tonight

I’ll try not to have another second thought

Of letting you know how much it means to me

To see you again in the stars and sky

But if you can’t stay too long

Or you had to stay away for good

I won’t hesitate to let you know

That I might still be here again

Posting my incomplete heart

The next day I had to deal with the thought

Of holding you back

Silently

M online, five forty five AM, still sleepy, mp3 on, playing Toto’s song, feeling sober…phoenix

mobile ramblings

Textmate

There’s nothing to regret

In wasting your 20-all-text-load

For a chance to open your soul

Forget your miseries

And leave the painful memories

Of a tragic life

For a while

If you gain a textmate

Who treated you closely

More than a stranger

But a soulmate for a night

Every night

A stranger leaves his goodnight kiss

And wishes you sweet dreams

With him in a world of

What-if and what-might-have-been

He tightly holds your hands

And look at you in the eyes

With unspoken longings

And wantings beyond words

Though it may be a dream

Still it’s worth dreaming

Every morning

A stranger wakes you up

With sentimental greetings

To live another day of relevance

Teasing your heart

Chasing your thoughts

Holding you back

With his overflowing bits of ardor

Contained in generic SMS messages

He received from other strangers

Yearning to fill the gaps

Of melancholy within their soul

And replaced it with optimism

And undying chance to wait

For something tangible to come

Something real to keep

Something special to stay

Without conditions

Unconditionally sincere

Expressed beyond

Generic SMS messages

And costs more than 20-all-text-load

A textmate breathes life

And experience bliss

In a chance of accepting

What it means to be human

When you learn to love

Your textmate

Friendship and love requires no network signal…phoenix

breath again

Pensive

I couldn’t control my thoughts tonight
They linger somewhere else
Somewhere I don’t want to revisit
Even in my mind’s eye
But this is me struggling to break free
From self-doubt and unspoken miseries
I wish I have no regrets with everything
That I’ve been through all my life
And leave it all away as I move on
But they tend to haunt me
And keep me restless night after night
Every time I hear Tina Arena’s song
“If I didn’t love you”…
The tides of regression started to overcome me
And look back with lonely view of yesterday
Over friends who left me hanging up
In the road of broken possibilities and expectations
I’ve gambled my heart’s sanity
To nurture their broken wings
They say when you let your feelings
For a bestfriend enslave you to love
His imperfections will turn into a beautiful sight
While you’ll be left behind waiting
For nothing but broken promises and dreams
I’ve always been plague by wrong choices
To show my bestfriends how I truly feel
Maybe it is my nature to be enslaved
By the thought that I cannot live
Without being loved in return
But I truly believe that my heart
Is the greatest weapon I have to live
Without blindly seeing the need to share
My passion without expecting any return
I know for sure that there are better days for me
Waiting to come and heal my loneliness
As I strengthen my heart from the bruises
I got from giving up everything in the name
Of selflessly loving my bestfriends
…that for me is no weakness at all
It is my pathway to live my life meaningfully
Even if I haven’t been truly loved
Wherever you are bestfriend
You always have a piece of me
That only you can return to its proper place
And make me whole again…
My pensive my mind tonight
Has spoken sincerely…
Through the longings of my heart
Bye! (for now)
I’ll try to ignore you even if we’re both online tonight…phoenix
Intentions
Sometimes we have beautiful intentions
In everything we wanted to do with life
We wanted to make the world see
The beauty of the heart that lies within
And let the people we care realize something
That we are capable to share life selflessly
But we can’t please everybody or the whole world
About how beautiful those intentions are
Some people’s heart are sometimes trapped
Inside their selfish intentions and need
To fill the holes of their insecurities
By pulling down others and discouragement
But all this time…
I have learned my lesson well
I survived pains and torments
I learned to stand on my own
And walk in my chosen path to live life
The way it should be lived with passion
Their lies and criticisms won’t torn me apart
Or weaken my soul to walk with faith
Deep in my heart
I always believe in my dreams
For dreams are worth fighting for
If we have reasons to dream
For something beautiful
For something larger than life
For something real
And that reality remains to be my greatest passion
I know the truth is out there I can tell
All I have to do is to live without regret
And believe I have nothing without heaven’s bliss
No matter what I just need to go on living
One day
Someday
The world will finally see
How beautiful my intentions can be
In a distant horizon

What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger (I know for sure)…phoenix

two face

side

There’s always two sides of the coin

The first one is a choice to love

Someone who couldn’t sincerely love you back

I tried to give up everything

Just to let him know I am determined

To wait until the moon and stars would fall

He may have loved me in the past

But that was done before I realize

He was changing and started to drift away

Leaving me in doubt and hanging up

For answers I couldn’t tangibly grasp

With my worthless loneliness

Killing me slowly

Breaking me apart

Like a shattered glass

His emails may have been passionate

His offline messages may be sincere

But that was all said and done

In the past

Gone with the wind

When he started to remain silent

To my emotional cry and longings

The second side is a reason to move on

And embrace a coming love from unexpected chance

I tried to runaway over and over again

But my misery tells me to hold on to it

He may be selfless to reach the moon and the stars for me

But I am afraid to open up my heart

Sometimes I realize he may not be the one

That I am waiting and wishing for

In this cold and lonesome life

But I feel he has the capacity to love

Someone like me wholeheartedly

Without expecting return

Or accept my vulnerabilities

He loves the way I fall down

And pick up myself when I’m hopeful

He may be another stranger

Longing to open up his heart

For me

And make me see

The beauty of his capacity

To love unconditionally

For a fool like me

Heaven help me…

Which side of the coin should I choose?

To let my heart finally have its rest

From the restless journey I endured

No more games, I must be free from misery (written the day Peter and his bf came to visit me from the US) …phoenix